Monday, October 24, 2011

Steve's Weight Loss Plan

There have been many things about living in the Philippines which we had not anticipated before we came here.  One of the most unexpected, unintended results was weight loss.

Now, for those of you reading this who know Kerri and I you know that we have never been big people.  Being overweight has never been a big issue for us.  That being said, over the years each of us has managed to slowly increase our body mass.  Nothing really noticeable, just a steady gain.

At first, when we got married, I attributed my gradual weight gain to being married and having a wonderful wife who was preparing an abundance of tasty meals.  I was not the least bit concerned with it.

Then, later on I began to work in construction, and found that because I was working a physical job I needed to eat more.  I calculated my calorie intake for a typical day to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 million calories, mainly in the form of Slurpees and Wendy's double cheeseburger meals.  Thankfully, I have been blessed with a fast metabolism and actually managed to burn off all 3 million of those calories each day.

Then, when I decided to quit construction and go back to school I had to reign in the Slurpee/fast food consumption.  What I didn't realize was that all the exercise I was getting while working was helping to keep everything in good shape.  Take away the exercise and muscles begin to droop.  Who knew?

So I was beginning to develop what we term a "Ministry Gut".  This condition is something which has been known to affect both pastors and Bible college students.  It is similar to other common conditions, including the "Accountant Gut", the "Computer Technician Gut", and others in the "Sit at a desk all day" family of gut conditions.  It can be recognized by a steady increase in pant size and the need to buy new, longer belts.  It is often assumed by sufferers of this condition that their clothes have begun to shrink.  (While often confused with the common condition of "Where-did-this-gut-appear-from?-I-used-to-be-able-to-drink-lots-of-beer-without-gaining-an-ounce Gut", Ministry Gut has been verified by modern science to be an unrelated issue.  Usually.  But that's for another blog.)

So over time, my physique gradually morphed from a skinny one (albeit with good muscle tone if I do say so myself) to a somewhat softer, slightly rounder one.  I can remember several times during Bible college thinking to myself, "Self, maybe you should get out and get some exercise while I say here and finish reading the 4000 pages that I have to have read for tomorrow."  It never worked.

So, I came to the Philippines at the highest weight of my entire 33 years on this planet.

Well, over the next couple of months I noticed that my clothes were getting a bit baggy.  I assumed that they were stretching out from being hung on the clothesline to dry.  (Seriously - this is what I assumed)  Then in a moment of brilliance, I realized that even if they were stretching somewhat in length, they probably wouldn't stretch in width.  Especially the waist size in the shorts.  Not something that usually gets bigger.  That is when I came to the realization that maybe I was getting smaller. (Go ahead, insert the jokes about my height here)

So, I have decided to share with the world my weight loss plan.  I have titled it "Steve's Weight Loss Plan".  I realize that is not a very creative title, but it does kind of sum up what it's all about.  I am hoping that it will become the next fad diet, the next Air Diet or Three-Day Hot Dog Diet (those really do exist).  I am thinking of marketing my plan.  If you would be interested in a franchise please let me know. Maybe this will solve all our concerns with raising support for our time here...

Here, for the first time ever in the history of the universe, I present

(You have to use your imagination for the deep, booming announcer voice and the flashing lights and fireworks, sorry.  I can't find the button to insert those into my blog.  I did the best I could.  Yes, that is red, bold, underlined AND italicized!)

  • Step 1:  Sell everything you own and move yourself (and family if applicable) halfway around the world to a place that you have never been to.  The stress which you are faced with will help to curb your appetite.  Note: for the weight loss to be fully effective you must choose a hot, humid location, preferably a third world country - more on that later.

  • Step 2:  Do NOT buy a vehicle for the first couple of months that you live in the new locale.  This will ensure that you get plenty of exercise when you have to walk everywhere.

  • Step 3:  Sweat constantly.  Try to stay hydrated - this will be an ongoing battle which you probably will lose.  This is kind of the point behind choosing a hot, humid environment.

  • Step 4:  Eat a local diet.  Living in a third world country is kind of key here.  Here in the Philippines that consists of rice, fresh fruit, rice, fresh vegetables, rice, eggs, rice, fish, and maybe some more rice.  (I have heard people say that rice is fattening.  Perhaps it's the stuff with the rice that is the problem.  Just saying...)  The specifics of the food selection will vary depending on region.  That is why this diet may be less effective if you move to somewhere like Italy or Britain.  A diet consisting of large meals of pasta or lots of deep fried foods may not have the desired effect.

  • Step 5:  Sweat some more.  That can help to kill any sort of appetite you may still have left.

  • Step 6:  Continue the above steps for the next several years.

So far this plan has worked well for me.  Perhaps too well.  I need to go buy some new shorts and have begun to use a new hole in my belt.  Except it's smaller this time.

Oh, and if you are interested in a franchise let me know.  I even have a satisfied customer.  Here is her unsolicited endorsement of STEVE'S WEIGHT LOSS PLAN:

"Steve, none of my clothes fit anymore.  They are all too big!  I need to go buy new clothes." - Kerri from Davao City

Need I say more?


Silvey Family said...

Dude...I tried your weight loss plan and it didn't work. Is there a money-back guarantee? -S

Jewelry by Diana- Joyeria Diana said...
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Calgary Hardwood said...

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